Tina Szymczak

I want you to know . . .

. . . I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life

. . . As a teenager I was hospitalized 11 times and one of the last notes in my medical file from that time indicates my prognosis was “poor”.

. . . that through my 20’s we experienced several life stressors including infertility but I was able to stay healthy

. . . when I don’t show up to group events it is because my anxiety has gotten the better of me and I can’t face everyone.

. . . I feel anxious making phone calls, even to close friends and family

. . . my husband knew these things about me and he still married me – I love him even more for this

. . . no matter how good my life is there are still times where I feel overwhelmingly sad and despondent

. . . some days I can’t make it out of bed

. . . I love my family fiercely and I hate that I worry and hurt them when I have to be hospitalized

. . . I know my family loves me. When I am at my worst I believe that everyone would be much better off without me.

. . . I am a champion at hiding my pain. I can be contemplating suicide while I smile at you as you tell me a story. My pain is so severe, I keep it stuffed deep inside of me.

. . . when I become deeply depressed there is very little my family or friends can do for me aside from being supportive and understanding

. . . I have made attempts at taking my life but thankfully it either never works or people find me and thwart my attempt. When I am feeling myself I am very thankful for these people and their actions.

. . . the last time I went into hospital I ended up staying for two months. I can’t even begin to explain that experience though at some point I will try.

. . . I see a Psychologist a couple of times a month and a Psychiatrist once a month. This is necessary to keep me healthy and out of the hospital.

. . . I take medications to try to keep me even keeled

. . . I desperately want to be happy,  I just don’t always know how

. . . I worry about being so candid but I have a stronger need to raise awareness and help others than to keep my story as a dirty little secret

February 8, 2016

What I Want You to Know About My Struggles with Depression

I want you to know . . . . . . I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life . . . As a teenager I was hospitalized 11 times and one of the last notes in my medical file from that time indicates my prognosis was “poor”. . . . that through my 20’s we experienced several life stressors including infertility but I was able to stay healthy . . . when I don’t show up to group events it is because my anxiety has gotten the better of me and I can’t face everyone. . . . I feel anxious making phone calls, even to close friends and family . . . my husband […]
January 28, 2016

Overcrowded Mind

The words whipped around in my head. Over and over, multiple conversations occurring within my overcrowded mind. I closed my eyes and tried to will quiet in my brain. It didn’t work. The voices in my head mocked me for even trying. I was so desperate to not feel so hollow, so hopeless, so helpless. My hand in my pocket wrapped tighter around the pill bottle. If only, I thought, I was brave enough to end it all. Then the voices would stop and I would no longer feel like I was in the bottom of a very very deep pit. My heart raced at the thought of taking the pills. I tried to fight my way out of the […]
January 22, 2016

The Mighty

I have another post on The Mighty – check it out here I have realized that in my attempt to get my name out there and to share my writing, I have been neglecting the book I am trying to write. Nose to the grindstone from now on.
January 17, 2016

Therefore I Share

I originally posted this in 2011 but I updated it a little to send to The Mighty for publication. They turned it down but I still think it’s good to share   Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not the fault of the person dealing with it. It is hard for all involved. The individual, family, friends .  . . Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of How many times have I said that in real life, on Facebook, on my blog? I tell my son this all the time. I tell him that his Bi-Polar and OCD and other illness/disorders are a pesky part of him but they do not define him and they […]
January 13, 2016

An Apology To My Son

Dear Corbin I want you to know that I am a huge fan of yours and I love you completely. I admire how each day is a brand new day for you, you rarely hold a grudge. You are almost always happy and with a little encouragement you are learning to try new things. Having said all of that there is something I need to do. I need to apologize I’m sorry for all the days I spent on the phone and typing emails to people who in the end neither believed in you nor had anything to offer. I’m sorry I spent so much time seeking out therapy and ways to “fix” you instead of using available therapies to […]
January 6, 2016

Privacy

When I began this blog back in 2006 (yikes!) I wasn’t sure how much I was comfortable sharing about myself and even more importantly about my family.  I blogged to feel better about my life, not to become famous – lol. So I didn’t tell anything that would pinpoint where I live and I just used a first initial for the family. I also tried to be careful to not write embarrassing things – instead focusing more on my reactions and feelings about events. But it has always felt stunted – that I couldn’t really be myself on my blog because I was expending so much energy trying to reign in any self identifying information or sharing too much about […]