September 10, 2015

World Suicide Prevention Day

My latest battle with depression is too recent and raw to write about yet but I wanted to acknowledge it is World Suicide Prevention Day so here is my post from 2010 Tuesday December 11th, 1990 Right now I am sitting in front of my locker and no one knows what I have done. I’m scared. Scared that everyone will hate me and no one will understand what I’ve just done. Scared to live though. I really am. I honestly can’t see a future. I want someone to help me, to take away the hurt and make me happy but no one can. Please forgive me for I am so sorry. ______________________________________________________________ That was part of the suicide note I […]
January 17, 2016

Therefore I Share

I originally posted this in 2011 but I updated it a little to send to The Mighty for publication. They turned it down but I still think it’s good to share   Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not the fault of the person dealing with it. It is hard for all involved. The individual, family, friends .  . . Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of How many times have I said that in real life, on Facebook, on my blog? I tell my son this all the time. I tell him that his Bi-Polar and OCD and other illness/disorders are a pesky part of him but they do not define him and they […]
January 28, 2016

Overcrowded Mind

The words whipped around in my head. Over and over, multiple conversations occurring within my overcrowded mind. I closed my eyes and tried to will quiet in my brain. It didn’t work. The voices in my head mocked me for even trying. I was so desperate to not feel so hollow, so hopeless, so helpless. My hand in my pocket wrapped tighter around the pill bottle. If only, I thought, I was brave enough to end it all. Then the voices would stop and I would no longer feel like I was in the bottom of a very very deep pit. My heart raced at the thought of taking the pills. I tried to fight my way out of the […]
April 14, 2017

Into the Woods

I stood there and watched him run into the woods. I didn’t follow as I knew I would never be able to catch him. I was beyond exhausted. Behind me I heard walkie talkies going off as three staff bolted out of two buildings and ran into the woods after him. I found myself fighting back tears. The staff beside me put her hand on my shoulder and gently said “Don’t worry, we’ll get him” and I began to sob. “It’s not that” I said “it’s that I don’t have backup staff at home. I don’t even have one staff. How are we going to manage when he comes home?” I was standing outside one of the units for inpatient […]
May 8, 2017

Mental Health Awareness 2017 – Part 1

Mental Health awareness week is almost over . . . I have struggled all week with what to say. Here is part of my story: I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. As a young child I felt anxious doing ordinary everyday activities like going to school or even playing with my friends. When I was 5, I was in Girl Guides and would get a migraine every time I went. I spent half the time lying on a gym bench waiting for my parents to come pick me up.  When I was 6 I struggled to print properly – it was the first time at school that I struggled with something. I had no idea […]
June 8, 2018

When You Don’t Know What to Say

 The past few days have been a struggle . . . first Kate Spade and now Anthony Bourdain . They both fell into despair so deep they saw no way out . . . and they completed suicide. The struggle for me is such a deeply personal one and their actions bring back my past actions and what could have been. Both of these very accomplished individuals had family and friends who loved them deeply and they each had a pre-teen daughter that now has to live without one of their parents. I have been struggling because I feel like I should be able to raise awareness as I always try to do but here is the thing – I don’t […]