Finding A Balance

Dear Corbin

I want you to know that I am a huge fan of yours and I love you completely. I admire how each day is a brand new day for you, you rarely hold a grudge. You are almost always happy and with a little encouragement you are learning to try new things.

Having said all of that there is something I need to do.

I need to apologizeWordless Wednesday - When Life Was Simple

I’m sorry for all the days I spent on the phone and typing emails to people who in the end neither believed in you nor had anything to offer.

I’m sorry I spent so much time seeking out therapy and ways to “fix” you instead of using available therapies to merely enhance your amazing life as it was.

I’m sorry I haven’t spent more time just hanging out with you, enjoying your company.

I’m sorry I allowed you to be surrounded by people who not only didn’t understand you, they were downright harmful.

I’m sorry I allowed people to mistreat you by locking you in a room. While I wasted time trying to teach them how wrong it was, you were left to suffer.

I’m sorry we haven’t spent more time building you a community to take you into adulthood.

Finally, I fought for a long time against people who said that we need to grieve the child we didn’t have. That never quite felt true to me – it felt downright icky. And now I finally know why – Because who am I to mourn who you should have been? What does that say to you – “I think you suck”? I would dare someone to walk over to someone else and say “I mourn the person you should have been”. I mean, who would do that? Far from grieving you I have tried to celebrate you for who you are – but for any time I actually spent “mourning” you I am so very deeply sorry.

Love Mom

January 13, 2016

An Apology To My Son

Dear Corbin I want you to know that I am a huge fan of yours and I love you completely. I admire how each day is a brand new day for you, you rarely hold a grudge. You are almost always happy and with a little encouragement you are learning to try new things. Having said all of that there is something I need to do. I need to apologize I’m sorry for all the days I spent on the phone and typing emails to people who in the end neither believed in you nor had anything to offer. I’m sorry I spent so much time seeking out therapy and ways to “fix” you instead of using available therapies to […]
January 6, 2016

Privacy

When I began this blog back in 2006 (yikes!) I wasn’t sure how much I was comfortable sharing about myself and even more importantly about my family.  I blogged to feel better about my life, not to become famous – lol. So I didn’t tell anything that would pinpoint where I live and I just used a first initial for the family. I also tried to be careful to not write embarrassing things – instead focusing more on my reactions and feelings about events. But it has always felt stunted – that I couldn’t really be myself on my blog because I was expending so much energy trying to reign in any self identifying information or sharing too much about […]
December 19, 2015

For All That Is You

Who knew where life would take us when we first met across the table at Adoption classes? We became the best of friends in a short amount of time and when I adopted my son you were there every step of the way. Two adoptions for you and another for me and quite miraculously all of our children got along which lead to group trips to places such as water parks and apple picking. This was good because often times your oldest son was the only one who would play with my oldest. Being a mom with you felt normal. A normal that I never felt with other moms and kids. Thank you for all those days where my oldest […]
November 18, 2015

It Takes Its Toll

We adopted our first child when I was 28 years old. My plan had been to have at least one kid by the age of 25. We struggled with infertility and since I wasn’t having babies I instead focused on my career in early intervention. I worked my way up to my dream job and the same week I found out I got the job we also found out we were adopting a little boy. A little boy with big blue eyes and an endearing smile. Also a little boy that NEVER stopped moving and was constantly getting himself into trouble. I didn’t know it was going to be so exhausting day in and day out. It wouldn’t have been […]
November 15, 2015

Something Typical

I first knew something was amiss when 5 year old Jeremy said from his car seat “Mom let’s have a meeting” . I looked at him in the rear view mirror and asked “Why should we have a meeting?” “Because you have meetings for Corbin all the time. You are always at a meeting. I want to have a meeting”.  I worked hard not to cry as it settled in just how much time we were spending on Corbin’s life and how little we spent on Jeremy. “What would we do at the meeting?” I asked “Do stuff that I want” and then he paused before saying “I will bring the pens and paper and you bring the Brownies”. Such […]
October 1, 2015

Get In The Pool

My essay analogy about life as a parent with a child with a disability being like trying to swim in a pool has been picked up by BLOOM, online magazine for Holland Bloorview Kids Rehabilitation Hospital. http://bloom-parentingkidswithdisabilities.blogspot.ca/2015/09/its-hard-to-tell-when-special-needs.html There are some paragraphs in this version that weren’t in the earlier version. Tina