An Apology To My Son

January 6, 2016
Therefore I Share
January 17, 2016

An Apology To My Son

Dear Corbin

I want you to know that I am a huge fan of yours and I love you completely. I admire how each day is a brand new day for you, you rarely hold a grudge. You are almost always happy and with a little encouragement you are learning to try new things.

Having said all of that there is something I need to do.

I need to apologizeWordless Wednesday - When Life Was Simple

I’m sorry for all the days I spent on the phone and typing emails to people who in the end neither believed in you nor had anything to offer.

I’m sorry I spent so much time seeking out therapy and ways to “fix” you instead of using available therapies to merely enhance your amazing life as it was.

I’m sorry I haven’t spent more time just hanging out with you, enjoying your company.

I’m sorry I allowed you to be surrounded by people who not only didn’t understand you, they were downright harmful.

I’m sorry I allowed people to mistreat you by locking you in a room. While I wasted time trying to teach them how wrong it was, you were left to suffer.

I’m sorry we haven’t spent more time building you a community to take you into adulthood.

Finally, I fought for a long time against people who said that we need to grieve the child we didn’t have. That never quite felt true to me – it felt downright icky. And now I finally know why – Because who am I to mourn who you should have been? What does that say to you – “I think you suck”? I would dare someone to walk over to someone else and say “I mourn the person you should have been”. I mean, who would do that? Far from grieving you I have tried to celebrate you for who you are – but for any time I actually spent “mourning” you I am so very deeply sorry.

Love Mom

Tina Szymczak
Tina Szymczak
Tina Szymczak is a 40-something mom and wife with two spirited boys. She has worked in early intervention and as an advocate resource for families with a loved one with a disability. Now she also writes a blog about raising children with complex needs, trying not to lose your sense of self as you parent, and her struggles with mental health.

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