February 8, 2016

What I Want You to Know About My Struggles with Depression

I want you to know . . . . . . I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life . . . As a teenager I was hospitalized 11 times and one of the last notes in my medical file from that time indicates my prognosis was “poor”. . . . that through my 20’s we experienced several life stressors including infertility but I was able to stay healthy . . . when I don’t show up to group events it is because my anxiety has gotten the better of me and I can’t face everyone. . . . I feel anxious making phone calls, even to close friends and family . . . my husband […]
May 5, 2016

A Full Year

In November 2014 I decided, without my doctor’s knowledge, to go off my medications. The Lithium I was on was stunting my emotions to the extreme, I was always tired and a hand tremor was driving me crazy. In January 2015 I informed him of what I had done and he reluctantly agreed that I seemed to be doing fine and we would just keep an eye on things. By April of 2015 I was actively battling my depression and anxiety and I was losing the fight. I was overwhelmed by even the smallest of things and I felt like I was drowning. I kept questioning myself – why was I feeling this way? Why couldn’t I just snap out […]
June 3, 2016

A Full Year and Counting

The first part of this story can be read here After reading the first part over again I have to say this: the truth is I am not now who I used to be prior to my hospitalization. My experiences and the medication have made me a new person. Whether I like it or not. I spent the better part of a year trying to get back to where I was. People would comment how quiet I was and were wondering if I was ok. And I was. I was doing ok but I also felt lost. I had a horrible memory and almost zero motivation to do anything. My favourite thing was to have a nap – I would […]
July 12, 2016

Harder Than I Ever Thought It Would Be

We worked long and hard to become parents. Years of infertility filled with tests, needles, examinations, surgeries and the loss of dignity. We moved on to adoption and were again met with questions and the need to prove ourselves. But finally the day came and we welcomed a wonderful 3 year old boy to our family. We were so proud and excited to start our new life together. I was new to my job so Adam took a few weeks of parental leave while I finished up my probationary period. From all accounts, they had a great time each day just hanging out and playing and setting up a pool for Corbin.  I was so excited to be a stay at home mom,which […]
January 26, 2017

The Words That Almost Take My Life

  Thanks for the concern – the following is an example of how I feel when depression overwhelms me – I am NOT feeling this way now. *** Failure Loser Incapable Unwanted Unworthy Words my mental illness plants in my brain. They sneak in under the cover of dark, rearing their ugly heads when I least expect it. Defences down, I am bowled over by the intensity and severity of the words. I do my best to fight. I do positive self talk and affirmations. I stay away from sad movies and TV. I seek out my husband who counteracts the force of the words. But sometimes, sometimes I can’t fight. They overwhelm me, those words. They tell me I […]
March 14, 2017

Post-Adoption Depression is a Very Real Thing

I have a post over at Her View From Home, check it out