Depression

 

Thanks for the concern – the following is an example of how I feel when depression overwhelms me – I am NOT feeling this way now.

***

Failure

Loser

Incapable

Unwanted

Unworthy

Words my mental illness plants in my brain. They sneak in under the cover of dark, rearing their ugly heads when I least expect it. Defences down, I am bowled over by the intensity and severity of the words. I do my best to fight. I do positive self talk and affirmations. I stay away from sad movies and TV. I seek out my husband who counteracts the force of the words.

But sometimes, sometimes I can’t fight. They overwhelm me, those words.

They tell me I can no longer do my job – that I am missing things with the families I help and I have made some major mistakes. I find myself compulsively checking my notes and second guessing what I have and haven’t done. Before home visits I sit in my car, taking deep breaths and trying to will the panic attack away. My heart races, my palms are sweaty, it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I push down the feelings of inadequacy and will myself to be calm and receptive to the family I am there to help.

They tell me I am a horrible mother. That I have missed some major things with my children and I have failed them as a mother. They tell me that the boys would be better without me, a mother who is a burden and source of stress and anxiety. I am aware of how much I am yelling at them and that serves to throw me in deeper into my depression.

They tell me I am a lousy spouse. That I have no interest in anything and have trouble connecting on a personal level. My caring husband wants to help me but I don’t know what to tell him, how to help me. Which then leads to me further berating myself for not being able to share with him.

Those words, they tell me my family is better off without me. That I am nothing. How can they miss me when I am nothing? I try to tell myself that I am loved and wanted but the words are too strong. I have trouble getting out of bed. I watch mindless TV for hours and sleep is my new best friend. Lots and lots of sleep. And lets not forget the eating – anything and everything. The more unhealthy the better.

And sometimes. Sometimes things get so bad I fear for my safety. I struggle to try to explain to others what is going on with me in that moment. I just know I feel so bad that I am thinking of killing myself.

Those words

Failure

Loser

Incapable

Unwanted

Unworthy

They take my mental health away. They almost take my life

January 26, 2017

The Words That Almost Take My Life

  Thanks for the concern – the following is an example of how I feel when depression overwhelms me – I am NOT feeling this way now. *** Failure Loser Incapable Unwanted Unworthy Words my mental illness plants in my brain. They sneak in under the cover of dark, rearing their ugly heads when I least expect it. Defences down, I am bowled over by the intensity and severity of the words. I do my best to fight. I do positive self talk and affirmations. I stay away from sad movies and TV. I seek out my husband who counteracts the force of the words. But sometimes, sometimes I can’t fight. They overwhelm me, those words. They tell me I […]
July 12, 2016

Harder Than I Ever Thought It Would Be

We worked long and hard to become parents. Years of infertility filled with tests, needles, examinations, surgeries and the loss of dignity. We moved on to adoption and were again met with questions and the need to prove ourselves. But finally the day came and we welcomed a wonderful 3 year old boy to our family. We were so proud and excited to start our new life together. I was new to my job so Adam took a few weeks of parental leave while I finished up my probationary period. From all accounts, they had a great time each day just hanging out and playing and setting up a pool for Corbin.  I was so excited to be a stay at home mom,which […]
June 3, 2016

A Full Year and Counting

The first part of this story can be read here After reading the first part over again I have to say this: the truth is I am not now who I used to be prior to my hospitalization. My experiences and the medication have made me a new person. Whether I like it or not. I spent the better part of a year trying to get back to where I was. People would comment how quiet I was and were wondering if I was ok. And I was. I was doing ok but I also felt lost. I had a horrible memory and almost zero motivation to do anything. My favourite thing was to have a nap – I would […]
May 5, 2016

A Full Year

In November 2014 I decided, without my doctor’s knowledge, to go off my medications. The Lithium I was on was stunting my emotions to the extreme, I was always tired and a hand tremor was driving me crazy. In January 2015 I informed him of what I had done and he reluctantly agreed that I seemed to be doing fine and we would just keep an eye on things. By April of 2015 I was actively battling my depression and anxiety and I was losing the fight. I was overwhelmed by even the smallest of things and I felt like I was drowning. I kept questioning myself – why was I feeling this way? Why couldn’t I just snap out […]
February 8, 2016

What I Want You to Know About My Struggles with Depression

I want you to know . . . . . . I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life . . . As a teenager I was hospitalized 11 times and one of the last notes in my medical file from that time indicates my prognosis was “poor”. . . . that through my 20’s we experienced several life stressors including infertility but I was able to stay healthy . . . when I don’t show up to group events it is because my anxiety has gotten the better of me and I can’t face everyone. . . . I feel anxious making phone calls, even to close friends and family . . . my husband […]
January 28, 2016

Overcrowded Mind

The words whipped around in my head. Over and over, multiple conversations occurring within my overcrowded mind. I closed my eyes and tried to will quiet in my brain. It didn’t work. The voices in my head mocked me for even trying. I was so desperate to not feel so hollow, so hopeless, so helpless. My hand in my pocket wrapped tighter around the pill bottle. If only, I thought, I was brave enough to end it all. Then the voices would stop and I would no longer feel like I was in the bottom of a very very deep pit. My heart raced at the thought of taking the pills. I tried to fight my way out of the […]